When you live in the lap of luxury, winter means one thing: skiing season. Whether you’re snuggled up in a cozy chalet or enjoying your own private entrance right off the slopes, nothing says “expensive excellence” like a world-class winter retreat. With personal lifts, heated escalators, and Michelin-star meals served as you ski, the resorts on this luxurious list cater the very cream of the crop, which is why it’s sort of odd that you’re reading it. No offense, but aren’t you more the sort to complain that they raised the price of the stupid snow-tubing tickets another dollar this year? I mean, you seem like a nice person and all, but this just might not be the article for you. Look, here’s a link to some Sears coupons. Maybe just dig into them for awhile while we finish up here.
The Shangri-La Spa and Resort—Aspen, Colorado
Oh, wow. You’re still reading, huh? Well, at least you know how to do that. Kudos. So you know you can’t get a reservation here, right? They’d hang up the minute they saw you were calling from, I’m guessing, “the shitty part of Margaritaville.” But fine. Whatever. Here goes.
The Shangri-La Spa and Resort sits nestled in the Rockies, bringing a rustic charm to what’s going to be an extremely expensive experience. Seriously, it’s a lot. With private mineral springs, an award-winning ski school, and a menu designed by none other than Rex Tillerson, this cliffside hot spot is the place to see and be seen on the slopes. So go ahead, try to book a room here. We dare you. But we’re pretty sure they don’t take Costco Club cards. Just saying.
Hotel Niffenegger—Zermatt, Switzerland
Like a storybook come to life, this remote European village resort doesn’t permit people who have Baltimore Ravens tattoos. Sorry. Founded by a mysterious benefactor who built it as a maze to trap his many wives inside, the only way to book a reservation is through an old fax machine that’s usually out of paper. So maybe you’d be better off taking your usual wintertime vacation: A break from your wife while she thinks about divorce.
d’Ampezzo Oscenamente Ricco—Cortina d’Ampezzo, Italy
Still here, huh? Honestly, now you’re putting our reputation on the line. What happens if you call up Gregor at the concierge’s desk and ask if the hotel porn is complementary? How would that make us look? We have a reputation to uphold, and when someone like you, who scams a free workout at a different 24 Hour Fitness every week, starts dropping our name, well, only one of us pays the price. And no, just to head you off at the pass, they don’t validate parking here. You can’t just ask that everywhere you go!
Niseko Mountain Resort, Grand Ritchi—Niseko, Japan
Fine, we get it. We’re the ones who wrote this article and put it on online, so you happening upon it is on us. We just got excited! This place has an ice castle, for fuck’s sake! But let’s get real for a minute: There’s no way you’re ever laying eyes on any of this outside of a Bond movie. And considering that the Redbox in front of your 7-Eleven just burned down, that’s not looking too likely, either.
Hotel Nous Mangeons Pauvres—Gstaad, Switzerland
You know what? We’re done. Keep reading, but the only one you’re punishing is yourself. So what do you want to know about this joint? Hmmm? In lieu of a ski lift, a fleet of Bentleys will chauffeur you to the top of the mountain. Seriously. Oh, and be sure to bring the kids. There’s a gilded cage for them in every room. Word to the wise, though—it might be hard to book in early March. The annual human hunt is scheduled for March 1 this year. They’ve been plumping up the poors all winter so they’d have a little fight left in them. You know what? Maybe that’s how you can make it to one of these places. How fast can you run in 3 feet of snow?
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